Oh, crap

I stand in line at the checkout, breaking out into a cold sweat. The cashier turns to hand the restroom key to an older gentleman. I keep my head down as if everyone in the store has their eyes on me. I can't get out of there quick enough. Two minutes ago I was in the restroom.

A public restroom.

I hate public restrooms.

Let me say that again.

I HATE PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

Have you ever been in a store and just couldn't hold it any longer? I thought I could wait it out until I got home. God, please don't let this happen here. Not here!

I pulled my cart off to the side and slipped in after a young girl came out. No way am I sitting on this toilet.

Squatting down, praying I don't fall or splatter toilet water on my ass, I take a shit the size of Texas. The kind where you break into a sweat and your face and neck turns red.

WTF did I eat today???

The damn commercial sized roll of toilet paper just sits on the top of the tank. Finger prints and who knows what on the side of the role. I have to wipe my ass with this?

A few wipes later I pull up my britches and flush.

And flush.

Again.

And again.

And again.

One of my worst nightmares, right next to being in a plane crash. A toilet, full of shit in a public restroom. That won't flush. My shit.

I stand there looking at this pile of crap, wondering what the hell am I going to do. There's a plunger on the side. Dear God, don't tell that I'm going to have to use the plunger, in a public restroom, on a toilet full of shit that won't flush.

Surely I can't walk out of here without clearing this up. Someone will have to clean this mess. Okay, I grab the plunger, lean my head back and away from the toilet and..

oh shit, it's still not flushing.

oh shit, there's no soap.

and no hot water.

I'm so sorry.

There's a janitor somewhere in North Charleston who I'm praying wins the lottery.