Lost: My Mind

Chemo brain. Old age. Stress.

Mental cancer.

Where has my mind gone?

I would have liked to be writing something funny about this. But today, my husband pointed out this story to me


http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/07/20/former-bond-bombshell-dies-after-drinking-drain-cleaner/#ixzz1SgTyFbxq

"killing herself while the balance of her mind was disturbed."

Regardless of her other issues, it can be difficult (to put it mildly) to put away the fears of cancer once having been diagnosed with it.

For me, the fear of cancer will always be in the back of my mind. Sometimes creeping up on me when I least expect it.

I know I'm not guaranteed tomorrow or the next minute. I could be killed in my own home from falling down the stairs. However, for some reason, I never obsess over that one. I never find myself in the shower worrying that I will slip and fall and hit my head on the porcelain tub.

I do occasionally worry about terrorists blowing up a bridge as I drive across it.

But most of the time, cancer is the terrorist.

Oh, crap

I stand in line at the checkout, breaking out into a cold sweat. The cashier turns to hand the restroom key to an older gentleman. I keep my head down as if everyone in the store has their eyes on me. I can't get out of there quick enough. Two minutes ago I was in the restroom.

A public restroom.

I hate public restrooms.

Let me say that again.

I HATE PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

Have you ever been in a store and just couldn't hold it any longer? I thought I could wait it out until I got home. God, please don't let this happen here. Not here!

I pulled my cart off to the side and slipped in after a young girl came out. No way am I sitting on this toilet.

Squatting down, praying I don't fall or splatter toilet water on my ass, I take a shit the size of Texas. The kind where you break into a sweat and your face and neck turns red.

WTF did I eat today???

The damn commercial sized roll of toilet paper just sits on the top of the tank. Finger prints and who knows what on the side of the role. I have to wipe my ass with this?

A few wipes later I pull up my britches and flush.

And flush.

Again.

And again.

And again.

One of my worst nightmares, right next to being in a plane crash. A toilet, full of shit in a public restroom. That won't flush. My shit.

I stand there looking at this pile of crap, wondering what the hell am I going to do. There's a plunger on the side. Dear God, don't tell that I'm going to have to use the plunger, in a public restroom, on a toilet full of shit that won't flush.

Surely I can't walk out of here without clearing this up. Someone will have to clean this mess. Okay, I grab the plunger, lean my head back and away from the toilet and..

oh shit, it's still not flushing.

oh shit, there's no soap.

and no hot water.

I'm so sorry.

There's a janitor somewhere in North Charleston who I'm praying wins the lottery.

A Coonass in the Hamptons and Pink Ribbon Bagels

Vacation is coming up soon. My family and I are going to the Hamptons where an in-law has rented a house for the summer.

The Hamptons. Never been there. Haven't heard much about it. But what little I have heard, well... I don't think those kind of people are going to like a coonass in the neighborhood.

A quick Google search gave me this

http://westhampton-hamptonbays.patch.com/announcements/panera-bread-pink-ribbon-bagels-raise-22000-2

http://www.panerabread.com/pinkribbonbagel/

Okay, so I cheated a little bit and Googled "the hamptons pink ribbon". Surely, I'm not going to spend 10 hours in a vehicle with three kids without seeking out some pink stuff. And the location of the nearest Goodwill.

What would Susan think?

I've got at least a dozen things in my head that I'd like to write about. Maybe more, if I include the really stupid thoughts that cross my mind.

Since having been watching the "pink show" for over a year now, I keep coming back to one question in my mind.

What would Susan think about all of this?

I'm not going to mention that foundations name here. And I'm going to try my best to avoid using that name as much as I can in the future. I may even stop referring to the pink ribbon and find something else to refer to it as, like, freaky running ribbon.

So back to my question.

What would Susan think? I just took a second or so to read something from their site, quoted here:

"Susan X. XXXXX fought breast cancer with her heart, body and soul. Throughout her diagnosis, treatments, and endless days in the hospital, she spent her time thinking of ways to make life better for other women battling breast cancer instead of worrying about her own situation. That concern for others continued even as Susan neared the end of her fight. Moved by Susan’s compassion for others and committed to making a difference, Nancy G. Brinker promised her sister that she would do everything in her power to end breast cancer forever.

That promise is now (name those folks here) for the Cure®, the global leader of the breast cancer movement, having invested more than $1.9 billion since inception in 1982."

So, Susan "spent her time thinking of ways to make life better for other women battling breast cancer... and it continued even as she neared the end of her fight.

However, her sister promised her that she would do everything in her power to end breast cancer forever."

Everything in her POWER to end breast cancer. Not to make life better for those battling cancer.

I don't have a clue what Susan was like before she died. She may have been a greedy mongrol. For all I know, she may have been the kindest, sweetest person on the planet, always ready to lend a hand.

What would she think today? Would she be impressed and overwhelmed at what this thing has snowballed into? Or would she be disappointed at what appears to be greed from marketers, and her own sister? Would she consider cancer to be a marketable product? Or would she be out in the world building facilities to help accomodate the men and women who have been affected by breast cancer?

What would she have to say about ice cream cakes with happy pink ribbons during the month of October? Pink balloons floating around the grocery store just waiting to be taken to a cancer patient in the hospital? Collectible limited edition cups with the purchase of a pink combo? Or that pink firetruck driving around in order to raise awareness?

I wish I could say. I wish I could guess. But, considering that Susan has passed away. We really don't know. If she were here today, 30 years later, she may have different attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, than those she had 30 years ago. I know I don't think the same as I did back then (this is why I no longer wear big permed hair and clothes that make me look like Boy George).

What would Susan think?

Old and Shitty

I'm a hoarder. Not like the people on that TV show where some are living in cesspools and keeping rats as pets.

I just have more magazines and books than I need or could ever read. Probably 200 purses (don't freak, they all came from clearance racks, garage sales or Goodwill - I love a good bargain). I have more costume jewelry than I could ever wear. Clothes that don't fit but still have tags. Shoes... don't go there.

The collection of magazines is slowly slimming down. Before I send one to the recycling bin, I usually feel the need to flip through it to make sure I don't toss out any good recipes or craft ideas that I'll never get to.

Here's an advertisement I came across in an old issue.

More Awareness

My family and I stopped over at Jersey Mike's Subs during the week. It seems that pinking and pinkwashing is only getting worse.

Jersey Mike's is "partnering" with Komen with a Pink Ribbon Combo and sub wrappings.

http://www.jerseymikes.com/news/read.php?id=324

"The campaign has three phases:

Phase I: “Mike’s Way to a Cure” begins with the introduction of a specially branded plastic cup that will be available as part of a “Pink Ribbon Combo” or as an individual fountain drink sale and $.70 will go to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Donations from customers will also be accepted in-store."


The most offensive part of this is the "collectible" cup. Look closely at the bottom of the poster and you'll see that with the purchase of this combo, you can have a collectible cup. Wow, breast cancer now has collectible items. Just like a kids meal from McDonald's.

Maybe they will soon have cups to collect for colon cancer, testicular cancer, brain cancer and ovarian cancer. You could collect all 5!

"Phase II: Customers can support the breast cancer cause by buying custom “Mike’s Way to a Cure” T-shirts (100% of the sales will be donated to Komen). Also, Jersey Mike’s goes pink by creating special Susan G. Komen for the Cure® sub wrapping paper and To Go bags.

Phase III: Jersey Mike’s will create increased awareness for the cause through a final fundraising day in October. Additionally, Jersey Mike’s team members throughout the country are participating in or supporting Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure® events in their communities."

More awareness. I'm thinking about tattooing a pink ribbon on my forehead. Kind of like the scarlet letter A... only this will be the "scarlet" pink ribbon.

Independence Day

It's a good day when I realize that I can wear my clothes with just one boob. It's like celebrating Independence Day.

June 10, 2011 - One Less Boob in The House

My husband once or twice (or maybe even several times) suggested that I start writing, or blogging. Something to do about my frustrations involving life and death and cancer and mothers and kids and husbands and people who just plain get on my nerves.

I have only one tit, one tata, one breast, one boob, one knocker... whatever the hell you want to call it. Kind of sounds like that George Thorogood song, "one bourbon, one scotch, one beer.." The left one got sliced off in August 2009. What's left of it is a barbed wire looking scar caved in enough to hold a drink of water.

Here's all the boring details for you. After all, don't you want to get to know me?

There I was, a single, never-married critter of about 42 or 43 years old when I went in for the second mammogram in my life. I had missed a year. I get a call to go back in, get punched in the breast with a biopsy needle and informed a couple of days later that I had cancer.

I was told I needed to select a surgeon. Ok, like I said, I was in my forties. I haven't had any kind of surgery since my tonsils were taken out. How the hell am I suppose to select a surgeon? Is there a dealership around for me to test drive one? Look under the hood? Kick his tires?

So, I look up an old high school boyfriend who grew up to be a doctor. Things got miscommunicated between the breast doctor and the surgeon, so I decided to haul my ass up to South Carolina with my fiance and have my breast removed at MUSC.

Now I'm married. To a widower. With three young kids. And a bunch of shirts that don't look right because I have only one breast.

I tried the reconstruction route. But that didn't work. It got infected and the tissue expander had to be removed. I've sworn off surgeries unless absolutely necessary. Especially after that beauty queen died on the table while having a butt lift.

I can live with one boob. I'm getting more confident with each day that goes by.

After all, what's to be ashamed of? So what if I obviously have one boob? It's taken me a considerable amount of time to adjust to it. To not even use a prosthesis. I had been making careful efforts to wear loose fitting tops so as to not draw attention to my abnormality. I can be self conscious. I also didn't want to upset others who may fear cancer or have been through it. But guess what? I'm saying "screw it". With the exception of Sunday mass attendance, I'm not making any effort to conceal my "defect".